|
[20 Apr 2007|06:54am] |
I walked outside of my house yesterday evening to have a delicious stick of nicotine, when I realized I could smell nothing but fresh cut grass.
*sigh*
talk about the joys of springtime. :)
|
|
| tat. |
[07 Apr 2007|01:49am] |
 
ham did a beautiful job. it's my first.. but the second it was done, I wanted another.
I love it. :)
<33.
|
|
| up and up. |
[06 Apr 2007|11:30am] |
|
I just returned to work from my lunch break. I went to the bank and to sheetz and such, just ran a few errands. on my way back to work I realized that I had 15 minutes left to kill, so I decided to drive past children's village, my old preschool. I drove past to find that the building and playground no longer exist. it was almost as if they up and vanished into thin air. now I can't remember the last time I drove down that road, so for all I know it may have been gone years. but it made my heart ache. literally. and the lot seems much smaller than it did when the building was there. perhaps that's because the last I remember of it I was only four years old. everything seems bigger when you're four. but even the tree. the apple tree with the hole in the middle that I once got my entire foot stuck in while trying to climb it. at the time, I was convinced they would have to cut down the tree to get my foot out. turns out, in a sense, that over a period of 17 years they've done just that. but it's not just the tree. it's the yard where we played kickball. it's the giant hill where we set up the slip n' slide every wednesday of the summer. it's the (now non-existant) swingset where I flipped over backwards only to faceplant in the dirt. and the railroad ties.. stacked 10 high on the side of the back cement patio.. where my friends dared me to stand on top of the ties and see if I could jump and make it across the patio to the grass. in my bare feet. of course, I was first to jump. needless to say I missed the grass by six inches and ended up with a fractured right heel. no one jumped after that.
it's funny that I remember these things so vividly when I only spent three summers at this place.. and was only 2, 3, and 4 years old. crazy. and I feel crazy myself for thinking that places with such fond memories should be preserved. not demolished to build some expensive living community, but left in tact. at least I remember those wonderful summers. I'm thankful that my mind has held onto those.
and I was looking back at my older entries (though there aren't many of them) and I came across the one from mid-december when I posted the lyrics to john mayer's "in repair". and this part of the song specifically stuck out to me:
stood on the corner for awhile
to wait for the wind to blow down on me
hoping it takes with it my old ways
and brings some brand new luck upon me oh, it's taking so long
I could be wrong
I could be ready
oh, but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady and now I'm walking in the park
and all of the birds, they dance below me
maybe when things turn green again
it will be good to say you know me
and good news. the wind DID blow down on me. it DID take with it my old ways. and it DID bring some brand new luck upon me. and it just so happens that things HAVE turned green again. and it IS good to say you know me. funny how things change, eh?
and this relient k song, "up and up"... I was listening to it in the car as I was driving past that empty lot where children's village used to be. and it so perfectly describes the way I've felt for a few weeks now.. especially today.
Yesterday
Is not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today
With every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more
'Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history and what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day
Is sometimes hard to see
And though I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is
Where I'll be
'Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
'Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For You
A better version of me
For You
To be prosperous
Would not require much of me
You see contentment is the one thing
It entails
To be content with where I am
And getting where I need to be
I'm moving past the past
Where I have failed
But I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
Right there at the end
Is where I'll be
Oh, 'cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
What I've gained from love
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
'Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For You
A better version of me
For You
You never cease
To supply me with
What I need
For a good life
So when I'm down
I'll hold my head up high
Cause You're the reason why
I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
What I've gained from love
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For You
AMEN. :)
|
|
| incredible. |
[05 Apr 2007|02:20pm] |
|
it's been way too long. I need to start updating this thing more often. on a nightly basis, perhaps. right before bed? we'll see how that goes.
kevin and I have officially put God at the center of our relationship. He's become our foundation, and our reason for everything. we realized that if we didn't put God at the center, our relationship would ultimately amount to nothing. and neither of us would benefit. and we've been reading purpose-driven life together every night. for ten days now. it feels good. really really good. : )
I've made two really important decisions for my life in the last two weeks.
1. I am going to be baptized on sunday the 15th. I get to write my testimony. and read it. *sigh* I've honestly been waiting for that moment for a long time. one time I actually started writing out my testimony for no reason. now I get to share it. and hopefully touch a few lives. what an incredible opportunity. I'm just really really excited. I have put God at my core. He's become my reason for every single thing I think, say, and do. I've been striving each and every day to become more like Christ. when I wake up in the morning, that's the prayer I pray. I've been waking up and spending every day with my eyes and heart open to whatever lesson God is teaching me. it's something new every day. and I'm always anxious to learn. I just can't describe in words the peace and joy that I finally feel in my soul. it's a feeling that I've been longing for for what seems like my entire life. I found a tiny piece of this feeling three and a half years ago. but it's taken the whole three and a half years to gather all the pieces and fit them together. it's just incredible. that's the only way I know how to describe it. INCREDIBLE.
2. I have applied to the art institute of pittsburgh, and plan on moving there for school starting next january (2008). I'm extremely excited about this too. I've chosen to major in graphic design, which I finally realized encompasses all of my interests and hobbies into one field. in the past I've kept choosing studies that have absolutely nothing to do with my interests. the things I've gone to school for haven't even tied into my career goals. which is why I wasn't doing well. without a goal to work towards, I was unhappy. I felt unfulfilled. I didn't enjoy what I was doing. those feelings caused me to skip classes. skip homework. and just stop caring. I really am an intelligent student. but without a goal.. without aspirations.. without something I ENJOY, I won't prove my intelligence to anyone.
who would have thought it would take me so long to figure this out? I sure didn't. God did, of course. He's known all along. I've been foolish to think that I knew what was best for my life. haha. silly me. the only one who knows what's best for my life is God. end of story.
once I realized the full extent of my life purpose I began to realize that there are way too many people around me that still haven't caught on. it's funny because I keep feeling like since I know these truths, everyone else should automatically know them too. uh uh. wrong. which is why I want to share my story. it's why I want to bring my family to church. because I want everyone else to see the changes in my life that have resulted from my relationship with Christ. jen has started coming with me when she can. she's been to Bible study with me a couple times, and she's starting to see some light. not a lot, but some. I get frustrated sometimes, but then I remember that it took me almost four years to fully realize these truths. I just have to be patient with her. life. life has just been.. really really good. it's had a few brief moments of hopelessness, sure. but God has been shining so much light into my heart, that I'm finding it's difficult for me to even be upset. briefly I have been. but not for prolonged periods of time like I've experienced before. it was like I had four years of stupid depressed feelings all bottled up inside me. and it was dying and decomposing and bound to attract attention sooner or later. it did. it got God's attention. He knew about it all along, but it was my time to step into the light. and when I did. oh. my. goodness. I've never felt so relieved in my life. everything was gone. all of the hurt, all of the pain, the resentment, the hate, the anger, the blood. it was gone. I began walking taller. with a new confidence that I could do anything and everything I put my mind to. and in my opinion, the best part, is that I'm not afraid to share this experience. I'm not afraid to tell people that Jesus Christ is EVERYTHING to me. I could care less how I'm labeled. how I'm perceived. what people think. it's truth. it is what it is. and this change in me. it's permanent. I will not revert to my old ways. period. it's incredible.
ps- I am getting my first tattoo tomorrow. joshua 1:9 on the inside of my left wrist. I shall post pictures. : )
|
|
|
[20 Mar 2007|01:49am] |
|
I feel so much better. about everything. it's really incredible. God is working. I can feel it. in every single aspect of my life. <3
|
|
| I wrote. I think. |
[19 Mar 2007|07:07pm] |
I know it solves nothing.
but.
I want to run away.
really. far away.
away.
alone.
to think.
to talk to God.
I don't know what I want.
I don't know what I need.
I don't know what to say.
I.
don't.
know.
God knows.
I need Him.
He is Everything.
my Core.
my Foundation.
my Teacher.
my Principle.
my Everything.
I feel lost.
confused.
frustrated.
content.
but not.
alive.
but not.
happy.
but.
ugh.
those are the only words that describe how I feel. I feel, literally, every emotion that exists. all at the same time. I feel like I want something. like I need something. someone. but I feel like being alone. at least right this very second, I do. it's pain to the fullest definition of the word. it's struggle. it's a test of strength. of faith. of RESILIENCE.
sometimes I wish the following things didn't exist:
-time.
-emotion [pain especially].
-money.
-and honestly.. life.
yes. sometimes I wish life didn't exist. stupid. I know I have a reason for living. but life is the most insanely frustrating emotional rollercoaster ever. now I love rollercoasters, but this one. uh uh. hate it.
I just want to go home.
if the burden seems too much to bear, remember...
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.
|
|
| become a purple raider?? |
[01 Mar 2007|06:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
I'm thinking of going to mount. honestly. it seems silly, but after some deep contemplation, it only makes sense. I can still live at home. I can still coach those fabulous alliance vb girls and not have to dread leaving them. mount might not have the exact major or concentration that I'm looking for.. but they have art. and french. and hell, even sport management if I dare to go in that direction.
whatever I decide, I need to choose soon. it would be really nice to go to school and not have to drive more than two minutes up the street to get there. and to still be able to coach. that's important to me.
just pray for me I guess. I really need God to show me which direction I should take. I've been praying about it for months now and I'm still confused. I'm just gonna put it all in God's hands. He's the only one who knows what's right for my life anyway.
"I can do everything in him who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:13
p.s. I still miss the boy. like CRAZY. *sigh*
|
|
| kat |
[26 Feb 2007|08:24am] |
|
I wasn't home all day yesterday. I promised my littlest sister I'd braid her hair. and I wasn't there to do it. I feel really terrible about that. it shouldn't really be a big deal, but it is to me. and to her. I let her down. I don't want to do that again. ever.
|
|
| all hail the heartbreaker |
[17 Feb 2007|01:24am] |
I love the spill canvas.
So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far
I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin
I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyway
What's the point when my dreams are infected
With words you used to say
I will breathe in a moment
As long as I keep my distance
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up
So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door
I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
I guess that's how this one's gonna go I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
All hail the heartbreaker
|
|
| Suicide |
[20 Jan 2007|02:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 restless |
] |
This has been, without a doubt, the worst week of my life.
I lost the one thing in this world I never want to be without. And it was my own fault.
I decided to take a break from school. Again, my fault.. but MY decision. I disappointed some people who still don't believe in me.
Relationships. Hmmm.. I used to think they weren't something I should care about.. and care about with 100% of my heart at that. Funny thing is, I grew up and realized that love is the single most important part of life in this crazy world. Love is the only thing that matters, and the only thing that ever will matter. I don't care who you are, or what your circumstance, you're literally lost without love.
I'm learning to love wholeheartedly everyone I come into contact with. Whether they be friends, family members, my brothers or sisters in Christ, or even people whose names I don't even know. If He could sacrifice everything to save me then I should sacrifice my pride and selfishness to love others. I owe that to my Savior.
I've been praying and praying and praying about these relationships. All of my relationships. Not just the troubled ones, but the great ones as well. If anyone can guide and advise me, it's surely God. He's been teaching me something new every day, starting with how to love myself for who I am. Of course, I'm still not completely sure who Kellianne is, but honestly, does anyone know who they really are?
I need to figure out what I want out of life. I mean, I want most of the same things everyone wants: to be happy, possibly married with a few kids, making a decent sum of money, etc. But for me, (to quote John Mayer) something's missing. And I don't know what it is. (End quote.)
I definitely want to be happy. I'm happy now, but not near as happy as I'd like to be.
I definitely see myself married. And I know exactly who I want to marry.
And perhaps I'll make a good amount of money (though that really isn't important).
The missing part is, well, I don't know. But it's something, that's for sure.
I was looking up schools this afternoon because I know for sure I want to go back to school. But as I was doing so I started thinking that it would be a good idea for me to get away from here. Sure I love this place, and I love my home, and I love my family, but I want to experience something new. Even when I was at school in Pennsylvania for a year and a half, I think I spent more time at home than at school. I'm thinking that might be a part of what's bringing me down. It's just the same shit, day in and day out, and frankly, I'm tired of it.
(Insert High Fidelity quote here:)
I'm tired of the fantasy, because it doesn't really exist, and it never really... delivers. Right. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of everything else for that matter. But you'll never see me get tired of you.
Anyway... I found a design school in New York City that offers a two-year degree in Interior Design. I've decided to apply. If I get in, I go. If not, I don't. It's as simple as that. I just need to pray about it.
I miss him. It's been almost an entire week. And a difficult one for sure. We've managed one way or another to talk on the phone every day, even if it's extremely brief. Talking to him makes it hurt even worse, but I don't even care if it hurts me. As long as he's not being hurt anymore.. that's all I care about.
(More High Fidelity quoting.. paraphrased slightly:)
I can see now I never really committed to him. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.
|
|
| In Repair |
[14 Dec 2006|01:27pm] |
|
too many shadows in my room
too many hours in this midnight
too many corners in my mind
so much to do to set my heart right oh, it's taking so long
I could be wrong
I could be ready
oh, but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady I am... in repair
I am... in repair stood on the corner for awhile
to wait for the wind to blow down on me
hoping it takes with it my old ways
and brings some brand new luck upon me oh, it's taking so long
I could be wrong
I could be ready
oh, but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady and now I'm walking in the park
and all of the birds, they dance below me
maybe when things turn green again
it will be good to say you know me oh, it's taking so long
I could be wrong
I could be ready
oh, but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady oh, I'm never really ready
I'm never really ready I'm in repair
I'm not together,
but I'm getting there... ♥
|
|
|
[14 Dec 2006|09:50am] |
I'm sorry. But when I wrote it, that was exactly how I felt. I think I just feel ignored, is all. Like no one really cares about me and what's going on in my life.
I'm sorry.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
anne_disasterr's journal